The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Isekai Read online

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Foreword

  Case 01: Carlo Zen

  Case 02: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Isekai (Nagatsuki Version)

  Case 03: The Case of Natsuya Semikawa

  Case 04: The Restaurant at the End of the Isekai

  Case 05: The Warrior-Writer in the Other World

  Case 6: Monster Author XXX

  Afterword

  About J-Novel Club

  Copyright

  Foreword

  Let’s begin this story.

  Or should I say begin telling it...? Well, I can put on old wise man airs like that all I want, but I can already see myself failing my rolls for intelligence and authority, so maybe I should just be good and write this greeting.

  Hello, I’m Carlo Zen from Sakka Keihan, the writers’ circle.

  This time we bring you the records of what happened when a bunch of those ridiculous people known as authors got hurled into the unknown frontier of “another world”—an isekai.

  I suppose you could say it’s like a “let’s play” or something.

  Of course, there’s a thought behind this idea. As ancient wisdom says, if you’re telling someone to jump, you should be the first to take the plunge.

  We authors hardly know what we’re about, but we need to set the example. If a bunch of guys like us head into another world just flying by the seat of our pants, why wouldn’t our protagonists? How can they not?

  That’s the sort of long game we’ve boldly decided to play.

  So with this modest volume, we take a great step forward.

  This could very well change everything.

  It’s neither a prediction nor a prophecy.

  We’re merely saying what will come to pass in the near future.

  I mean, it’s a survey so large the likes of it are rarely seen these days (N = 6) where authors will be flung into an isekai and simply report back on exactly what happens to them there!

  It’s sure to be an isekai record prepared with the utmost thoughtfulness!

  The participants are known far and wide for their integrity and fairness.

  We will only speak absolute truths such as my love for oysters, Semikawa-sensei’s passion for Tokyo takoyaki, and Tsuda-sensei’s hatred of pro wrestling.

  Surely someday this will be part of the school curriculum. The day our faces grace the cover of a sociology textbook is near.

  The Nobel Prize in Isekai will be established, and when we’re tapped to give the presentation speech for that historic first award, I sincerely hope you’ll remember that it all started with this book and have it close at hand.

  Carlo Zen

  Case 01: Carlo Zen

  Many authors who write isekai stories have visited an isekai.

  That’s a hard fact.

  But that process hasn’t received much attention until now, and it’s rare that isekai writers speak of it publicly. So this is probably the first guide being put out regarding visiting other worlds. It is also an agonized gripe-fest devoid of dreams and hope.

  Still, it’s undeniable that this accumulation of facts is a critical foundation for the recent isekai novel boom. If it can be of any help to aspiring isekai writers who hope to make a visit, nothing could make me happier. When your luck runs out, and you find yourself facing difficulties in another world, I’d like you to remember what is written here, if possible. You can expect a harsh environment, one where towels don’t even exist.

  You may find these records of other worlds intense, devoid of dreams and hope, and more like administrative procedures than adventures. But it’s this tastelessness, this dryness, that will keep you safe even when faced with the gravest threats. I do believe they could help you, depending on the circumstances, in a time of need. Or perhaps it’s more like a warning from the dolphins. I should add that you can’t expect a towel to do much for you.

  All the same, all the same, I can only tell you what I’ve experienced.

  Are you familiar, I wonder, with the cold, jiggly, moist, transparent blue slime?

  Yes, that slime which must not be named!

  That vexing bugger!

  Do you know the discomfort of having it—that thing—shoved up your ass?!

  If you were eating, I ask that you forgive me because, well, these things happen. But if you’re a fellow author who, like me...has suffered this trauma, then you have my sincerest apologies.

  Initial Preparations: Fund-Raising

  I recommend gold Vienna Philharmonics.

  The first step in visiting an isekai is getting funds together. Please remember this.

  A research trip is not an adventure.

  Just because you kill a slime doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll drop a coin (honestly, worlds like that are rare).

  I’ll be frank with you. An isekai is just another world.

  This is not fun and games! Consider it reality. Your gamer smarts won’t come in handy in every other world.

  A research trip is about going and coming back safely. Having your priorities straight is of the utmost importance. You mustn’t mistake recklessness for bravery.

  Which is why, the first time you travel to an isekai, you should just go prepared with gold (bullion) coins.

  Yes, gold pieces. Because you’re going to another world.

  The bills we use are merely Japanese banknotes, the legal currency of Japan. You don’t have to think too hard to guess that in another world they’d be trusted no more than scraps of paper. In other words, you need to spec out your wallet for an isekai.

  For better or worse, we’ve confirmed from experience that luckily, the majority of isekai have implemented the gold or silver standard. (In extremely rare cases, credit economies have developed, but there are almost no reports of that causing the value of gold and silver to drop.) That means it’s best for you to assume all of your research expenses in the other world will need to be paid for in gold or silver coins.

  I’ll get into this more later, but considering that quarantine measures make it difficult to bring silver over, making arrangements for gold would be ideal.

  Incidentally, I highly recommend taking gold bullion coins. As a pro, from the perspective of cost-efficiency, I can’t recommend old or collectible coins.

  Some caution is also required regarding the design. Gold coins with people’s faces engraved in them, especially, are liable to be rejected if the faces don’t agree with the local ruling class.

  You might think you can just melt the coins down, but...depending on the region, that may be a serious crime.

  Therefore, it’s common knowledge that pros prefer the Vienna Philharmonic gold coins for their high quality and superior design (featuring only instruments and a stage).

  Pre-Voyage Checkup

  Cost complaints and compassionate care.

  Before any trip to foreign lands, long or short, you should check your health. You won’t be able to get ahold of your usual medicines, and there’s no way to know if you’ll even be able to communicate with a doctor. And let’s be clear, people with a license to practice medicine are no exception to this rule. (There are reports that some doctors are over-hunting dragons. Now we just need them to learn some ethics.)

  An isekai is a whole different environment from Earth. Your health affects your ability to stay alive, but you could also say it’s your humanitarian duty toward the people who inhabit the other world to get a pre-voyage checkup. Because when you make first contact with a new group of people, the difference in immunities could easily result in an illness that had been conquered on Earth starting a pandemic in another world.

  Usually, trained isekai authors will consult with two clinics. (The value of double-checking should be obvious.)

  Naturally, that’s expensive. This is not a cheap investment. And when you’re already scraping the bottom of the barrel after buying gold coins, wanting to skimp on expenses may just be human nature.

  But what if we look at it from a different perspective? Not a single person in the isekai will have immunity to the germs you bring.

  Perhaps a demon is whispering to you in your mind, “Surely I’m not carrying any lethal diseases!” But I urge you to remember something. It’s historical fact that even influenza was a pandemic at one point, under the name “Spanish Flu.”

  Of course, the isekai side will have its own precautions, but there’s a higher chance of preventing a catastrophe if the voyager simply gets checked out before they go.

  Are you prepared to destroy an entire world with a single mistake?

  I wouldn’t steer you wrong. This is for your health and, above all, your peace of mind. Getting every nook and cranny of your body examined by a doctor is like paying for insurance.

  And if you’re going to get a slime shoved up you in the isekai anyhow, then you might as well smile and swallow the doctor’s camera.

  Preparing Documents

  All the procedures for authorized entry.

  As long as intelligent life exists in isekai, we should assume there will be bureaucratic procedures there, too.

  Red tape is forever. It can never be destroyed.

  At least, as long as there is paperwork, bureaucracy will never die.

  And above all, if you’re going between an isekai and Japan, you won’t be permitted to ignore the Japanese systems—specifically, customs declarations and the like.

  Perhaps this surprises you, and you wonder what in the world
you would declare, but please recall that you’re bringing along all those gold coins to settle your bills in the other world. Whether they are counted as gold bullion or foreign currency will make a big difference, but generally speaking, if you’re carrying more than a million yen’s worth you need to report that with a Declaration of Carrying of Monetary Instruments, Etc. (Note: Please contact customs personnel directly for details of customs rules related to isekai voyages. This zine isn’t meant as expert legal advice, and the current laws could be different than mentioned here. Of course, the laws in effect should be prioritized, and this zine refuses to accept any liability for your actions.)

  Naturally, it’s not only customs you need to worry about.

  You should also bring your passport.

  Experts debate the usefulness of passports in isekai, but having one is probably better than being a suspicious guy with no ID. However, it often happens that people have a hell of a time when they return because their passport was incinerated during their voyage, so don’t forget to consult with an immigration officer before leaving the country.

  Regarding papers to be submitted upon arrival in the isekai, I’ll address this in detail later, but you should take precautions with both the text and format of your papers so you won’t run into trouble when they’re incinerated.

  The ideal would be to have someone from Earth of equivalent standing to someone with a degree of social power in the isekai write you a letter of recommendation, in addition to communicating in writing with the people on the ground there on your own before your voyage, and get all your ducks in a row.

  If possible, now is also a good time to make any necessary appointments. After all, your time in the isekai is limited, and there are lots of things you’ll want to research.

  Fasting

  Pray at a Zen Temple.

  Visiting an isekai is an intense research trip completely unlike a sightseeing vacation. Those of us in the industry who specialize in isekai know this, but those who don’t sometimes misunderstand. Research in an isekai is no walk in the park. In order to avoid panicking when faced with the many obstacles you’ll encounter, it’s well known that some mental training is in order.

  One common way to strengthen one’s mind is to practice Zen meditation at a temple.

  (Note: This is optional, and it’s not as if every isekai researcher trains at a Zen temple. There are many examples of people training with their own sects or denominations due to religious beliefs, and I respect the freedom of those individuals who would declare they are perfect and therefore have no need to train.)

  Now then, why meditate? There are two reasons: the first is to endure simple meals and severe conditions. The second is to train your mind to avoid panic.

  You don’t need to go as far as a fire ritual, but before heading into such a harsh environment, you should prepare yourself mentally and take the opportunity to purify your body and mind, if you can. This is also so you don’t get overwhelmed by worldly desires while in the other world.

  Isekai are often said to tickle one’s passion for adventure, but as an author on a research trip, you’re only there to write your manuscript. If you forget that, you risk assimilating and never returning to this world.

  The knowledge should be spread far and wide that one of the major triggers of isekai escapism is the pressure of deadlines. I believe that in order to ensure that authors researching in other words are able to return, editorial departments should pay a bit more attention to this issue.

  Now then, did you practice Zen meditation, hone your mind, and set your intentions? Are you emotionally prepared to accept the isekai as an isekai without panicking or falling prey to your desires, even when things get tough?

  If you’ve come this far, all that’s left is pre-departure prep.

  The Sterilization Room

  Endure, my heart.

  There is a ritual we perform before voyaging to an isekai.

  To be blunt, it’s everybody’s favorite: the disinfection process.

  Honestly, calling it “disinfection” is a lie. No matter how much bacteria we remove—no matter how much—humans can’t be perfectly sterilized. That’s just the plain truth, so a heartfelt curse on the mass media for going on about “sterile pigs” or “SPF porkers.”

  True sterilization is incredibly hard to achieve. You can’t raise germ-free pigs without a special facility. But I guess we have to admit that humans are able to get some control over bacteria.

  Thus, there are internal and external measures against infectious diseases.

  Before voyaging to the isekai, we authors must take them.

  In the sterilization room.

  Paid out of pocket. Yes, out of pocket. The sterilization room, which costs thousands of yen even with insurance, has to be paid out of pocket!

  And by the way, while you’re there, you’re forced to live a life of extreme austerity. Time to use what you learned at the temple. For that reason, it’s an open secret that many of those with experience call the sterilization room “training.”

  After all, the whole point is to be as “clean” as possible so that you don’t take any germs to the isekai.

  Medically, I don’t know the details, but even just the meals are terrible. Or perhaps I should say, “horrifying.”

  The food is so bad you’ll find sterile meals merely boring.

  This stuff is truly just human feed.

  (Incidentally, the past few years have seen rapid advancement in medicine...and you’re now able to finish your quarantine period more quickly with slime-compatible food.)

  Whatever you do, don’t expect anything to be tasty. Not even the British could endure this flavor.

  By the way, no small number of people lose their will to make the voyage after their experience with the sterilization room. The reason is that you need to be off cigarettes and alcohol before you can make the trip. You may find this hard to believe, but due to potential cultural differences, even caffeinated items are replaced with decaf versions.

  And the food is just so, so bad!

  Sadly, even after collecting gold coins, preparing documentation, and training at a temple...human spirits still aren’t made of steel.

  Entry Procedures

  Confirm your intentions and be on your way.

  By this point, you must have been guided from the sterilization room directly to the gate to the isekai. Once you’ve passed through the summoning gate, what awaits on the other side of the looking glass is the isekai to which you’ve devoted so many sacrifices, so much perseverance, and such determination.

  Do you have your gold coins? Are your papers in order? Then let’s get changed into disposable pajamas. Whatever you do, don’t wear your favorite and most stylish outfit.

  I know, you’ll feel a bit awkward hanging around the border to the isekai in baggy, single-use garments. But you’ll just have to get over it—because all of your personal items will be disinfected through incineration. (Note: In most cases, obtaining a notarized copy of your paperwork is possible, but check with the authorities. Your passport you should be prepared to get reissued.)

  If, by some chance, you have items aside from bullion that would be of some value even if melted, you should brace yourself to hear that they have been completely burned up.

  For this reason, preparing for your departure after the sterilization room means heading to the gate with only your gold coins (in a bag for easy handling is okay) and the paperwork that you can expect will be reissued.

  Furthermore, it’s a bit late at this point to say this, but make sure you haven’t neglected to arrange your will and inheritance.

  An isekai is a dangerous world. No one knows what kinds of perils await.

  Well, no, some perils are easy to tell at a glance, but some won’t be. It may look like a peaceful storybook world where you’re the main character, blessed with cheat powers, but make no mistake.

  You’re going on a research trip. You mustn’t conflate research and adventuring. It isn’t enough to simply want to go see an isekai because you want to write isekai novels.